Another Cost-Cutting Solution

One of the downsides of being retired at all
Is being home when telemarketers call.
I tell the truth - that's just what I do
But sometimes I get to spin a yarn or two.

Yes, I say, that is me, it's true
And yes I'm very well thank you.
Are you the same Mr Ray
Who rang me up just yesterday?

No? Did you perhaps give me a call
While I was shopping last week at the mall?
No? Are you sure you didn't ring
And try to sell me a holiday thing?

So, if I don't know you, why call me?
You must have friends you'd rather see.
Oh! you have a special offer to make
A real bargain I would want to take.

Yes, you're right I'm retired of course.
I'm no longer in the working force.
And thank you yes, my life is stable.
I live simply while I'm able.

I've lived long enough that I just don't care.
When I'm dead my kids will share.
They'll sell the house and pay the bills
And sort out probate on my will.

No, I don't think this will be a drain.
In fact I think I know their game.
Before we continue, I have to know
If this is recorded as we go.

Well then, please stop it there,
I have personal things to share.
It's off? Because this is a mobile phone
My address and location are not shown?

I don't want a supervisor listening in
Or new team members learning the spin.
When you tell me it's just me and you
I'll tell you what my kids will do.

There was a time many years ago
When I felt my first husband should go.
For months I let my friends believe
That he was packing and about to leave.

After weeks of sharing the news of his trip
I accidentally let it slip
That he'd met a sweet senorita in Spain
And would never be coming home again.

Meanwhile my kids who are usually passive
Had started stockpiling hydrofluoric acid.
Those who watch movies and TV crime know
How to dispose of a body leaving nothing to show.

We needed the acid to give us more time
It does the job faster than lye and lime.
By the time our mission had been completed,
Every trace of him had been deleted

There wasn't a search or any such fuss
They thought the bastard had abandoned us.
We didn't have a funeral or similar costs
We got off cheaply with the body just lost.

My kids have inherited my thrifty ways
They won't spend money if they can save.
And if there's no chance of an investigation
Why spend on a burial or cremation?

I'm finding travel brochures left on my bed
And there's a new lock on the boating shed.
I strongly suspect they'll do it their way
And I'll end up in a vat, all melted away.

So, though I would be keen on the service you give
There's not much point from where I live.
I'm pretty sure that I would choose it
If I thought for a moment my kids would use it.

(I am not fixated on death and details. I am just bombarded with calls about funeral insurance. Part of me resents my time being wasted while part of me relishes the opportunity to be creative - and there are only so many times I can use the 'Get Stuffed' story..)

There's more than one way ..

The cockroaches in the north are a pain,
They've all come in out of the rain.
All night they swarm around inside
Making no attempt to hide.

I have just done a child minding tour
And one thing I know for sure
Whenever I open any door
There'll be cockies racing round the floor.

I waged a wondrous battle last night
With a monster insect for me to fight.
He had the cheek to crawl under my bed
Believe me, I wanted his head.

I raced to the kitchen and grabbed the spray
He wouldn't see the light of another day,
If this was the very last thing I did.
I twisted and turned and cursed the lid.

From the corner of my eye I saw him move
So I did what the Greenies would approve.
I used the handiest weapon to hand
And squashed him with the base of the can.