Get Stuffed

'Is that Mrs O'Rorkee?' said the voice on the phone.
'Another pushy caller,' I thought with a groan.
My phone was on Bluetooth but I pulled up to the kerb.
I can't concentrate while I'm listening to their blurb.

I know I could just hang up or not take the call
But someone's doing her job, just like us all.
She assured me she just had some questions to ask
She'd tick them off as we finished each task.

'Your age?  Twenty to sixty?' she inquired
'Much older than that. I'm twelve years retired.'
If she wanted to sell me a house or a dive on the reef,
She had the wrong age group - oh, such a relief!

Then her voice really changed, it was flooded with cheer!
I'd given the answer she needed to hear.
'Have you thought of your passing and your family's pain?
Do you want to spare them the financial strain?

Funerals are very expensive when you're gone
It can cost many thousands to help you pass on.
It will be very stressful for those who are left -
All that worry when they're feeling  bereft!

Let me get the professionals to give you a ring
They'll just give information. They won't sell you a thing.
They're very understanding and not pushy you'll find
Their knowledge of the process will give you peace of mind.

But I won't need a funeral, I break in with a sigh.
'Why not?' she said. 'You know that one day you will die.
If your funeral's arranged and paid for ahead
Your kids and their families can relax when you're dead.'  .

'The first rule of selling,' I told her, 'is to listen to your mark'
You need more than my age. You're still in the dark.
You don't know my philosophies and how I'd like to go
I may not need a funeral and a final parting show.'

My daughter is a taxidermist at the state museum
She prepares the exhibitions before anyone can see 'em.
She works with all the animals that are set up inside
She removes their guts and drains their blood and tans their little hides.

That's what she's going to do for me - got special dispensation -
To preserve an ancient specimen for the younger generation.
She'll prepare me faithfully with wrinkles, droops and scars
And keep all the inside bits in clearly labelled jars.

I've promised it to Med School where they teach anatomy
And all the scientific things like physiology.
While students learn the bits and pieces that make the human frame,
Perhaps they'll take care of themselves and not end up the same.

When the Uni's done with me and I'm much the worse for wear,
My family will take me home and continue with my care.
I'll scare off any burglar who thinks there's no one home,
Propped up before the telly with my knitting and the phone.

The little kids can feel secure if their parents are not there.
They can relax and do their thing under Nana's vacant stare.
My son-in-law is not so sure. He thinks it's rather sleazy.
If friends drop in he'll cover me in case they're feeling queasy.

On Halloween when kids come by and want to trick or treat
We can scare them off forever with me laid out on a sheet.
My future's all cut and dried, as the taxidermist said,
Though I guess I'll end up wearing cobwebs in the shed.

So please don't try to make me spend up before my time is done.
What I have in mind is cheaper and more fun.
It won't worry me in days to come when I'm simply skin and bone
But now I love hear that gasp at the other end of the phone.