You've got to Smile

I love to get my photos printed in a book.
I spend endless hours deciding how it should look.
I fuss around with colour, shapes and frames
Always making sure that pages aren't the same.

I never use the wizard - I'm pretty good myself -
The proof is forty books or more sitting on the shelf.
I've done hundreds of others for kids at the school.
I'm trying to say that I'm really no fool.

But when I start the upload, my problems begin
The most annoying thing is when I can't log in.
 I've been working for days at a time on this site
 Now they tell me my password or name is  not right

I can't ring them - the office has been shut for a while
So I dash off an email to someone called Smile.
I say that their smile has not come through to me.
The smile's not contagious - not that I can see.

But that someone (Smile) knows to cut anger in half
By forcing this cranky old biddy to laugh.
I settle back to my task with a grin on my dial -
He or she changed my password to 'Smile'.

You Go, Girl

I took my sister to the hospital last night
She was drawn with pain and she looked a sight.
She thought her head was about to burst
And  severe chest pain made us fear the worst.

Emergency departments are always very busy
But we went right in because she was feeling dizzy.
They put her on a trolley and took her to a room
Because dying in the foyer really casts some gloom.

She saw doctors and nurses in a steady steam
We couldn't fault the professional team.
Her pulse was racing and blood pressure so highw
That  she said she almost wished she could die.

They put a needle in her arm and attached her to a drip
And started pumping pain killers to slow things down a bit.
They booked her in for X-rays and arranged for a scan
And ticked off on a list all the tests they ran.

They couldn't get a wheelchair so they asked if she could walk
As she headed down the corridor, they watched her like a hawk.
She was still in dreadful pain and swerved from wall to wall.
Still feeling very wobbly, she staggered along the hall.

I watched her going down the corridor, heading for X-ray
In that dreadful gown, with her bottom on display.
Much as I love her, I can say with honesty
That hospital gowns do nothing for your pride and modesty.

She held the the gown closed behind her with one shaky hand
Steering with the other the ungainly wheeled drip stand.
They ruled the 'nasties' out with a dozen tests that night
Apparently there was nothing likely to kill her outright.

They had checked her heart and lungs and chest and brain
There were no lumps or tumours to explain the awful pain.
She was not at risk of a stroke or heart attack or death
They couldn't find a reason why it hurt with every breath.

So once again they spiked her drip with even stronger stuff
I guess they thought they still hadn't given her enough
I'm not sure what they put in it but it worked like a dream
The headaches and the chest pains disappeared it seemed.

She gave a cheery wave and took a determined grip
Of the tall stand that held the tubes and bags and drip
She put her foot on the cross piece and scooted down the hall
Zipping in and out and making chairs and trolleys fall.

She scooted through the foyer dodging people's feet
And through the canteen where the staff members eat.
She fended off a kid with a plastic shield and sword
As she took a shortcut through the little children's ward.

A dozen security guys were skidding across the floor
Trying to head her off before she reached the door.
But she put on a burst of speed, reaching about fifty-five
As she really hit her stride and raced off down the drive.

Her gown swing wide around her. It was not a pretty sight
Covering not a skerrick of her bottom gleaming white.
The doctor shook her head: We'll soon see her again
But I can say that for the moment she's not feeling any pain.


(I am lucky enough to have four sisters, so each can point to another as the heroine of the poem.)

I Did Not have a Fall

Believe me, I did not have a fall.
That only happens when you're old.
Sure, I tripped and and yes I fell
But that is not what you'll be told.

I might have come a cropper
And nosedived near the door.
I maybe even took a tumble,
Measuring my length on the floor.

I went end over end and head over heels,
A over T, and bum over brain.
I took a quick landbased dive
And faceplanted near the laundry drain.

Perhaps I had a topple, tumble or trip
I certainly turned base up over apex.
I went arse over tea kettle too
And definitely went for a six

I plummeted to the ground
I bit the dust and took a spill
What ever words you want to use
Call it what you will -
I did not have a fall.

(And it wouldn't have been half so bad if I hadn't  lost my towel in the process and had to be helped up wet and naked by my host)

Carpet Bindies

There should be a special kind of hell
Fire, brimstone and torture as well
For all those little girls and boys
Who don't pick up their games and toys.

It is easy enough to avoid a bike
Left around by some little tyke
And cars and trucks left out on a mat
Are a nuisance but no more than that.

Skipping ropes are a booby trap
And little toys are so much crap
I'm sure you'll agree when I confess
Monopoly money makes a mess.

But Lego pieces make you aware
If your toes are tender and feet are bare
The edges are sharp and the surfaces rough
When kids are playing, they look innocent enough.

But if you're walking around in the night
Not disturbing others by using a light
And just one piece of Lego is left on the floor
That's where you step, for certain and sure.

It embeds itself in your vulnerable sole,
The smaller the piece the bigger the hole.
It won't fall off, no matter how you stand

Lego's solution - padded Lego slippers

You'll simply have to remove it by hand.

You're still half asleep and your balance is zip
If you bend down to shift it, you're likely to tip
Going base over apex won't be much fun
And on top of that, will wake everyone.

So you scrape your foot across the mat
Trying hard to flick it off like that
You rub your foot against the wall
And try to make the Lego fall.

Eventually you know you'll sit on the floor
And dig it out before it gets too sore.
And you mutter words of rainbow hues
And phrases you say that you never use.

I'd like to hear Lego's explanations
How they've survived three generations
When every parent has survived the drastic
Midnight tussle with that deadly plastic.

(Thanks to Tanya for the title - a term for Lego that I hadn't heard before.)

Oh Rats!

I went to a meeting last night with a friend
Close to the Chinese New Year
The Year of the Monkey is starting now
But only one Monkey was there.

The place was over-run with Rats
More than half the room had that sign.
There were also two Tigers, three Dogs and a Snake,
The only year with a Monkey was mine.

To most of us the Rat is not exciting
But for the Chinese, the Rat's at the top.
It symbolises flexibility, spirit and wit
Alertness, vitality and energy non-stop.

When all or any of those traits are displayed
I can no longer think of rodents as squeaking
They'd have to be the movers and shakers
In Toastmasters clubs for public speaking.

I was the single Monkey last night
Out-numbered by far but never out-smarted.
Clever and wily, not necessarily nice -
But up-beat always and never down-hearted.

I'm not sure about the zodiac signs
But I'd like to learn more about that
To see why the club had a limited range
And most of them were Rats.

Monica Monkey 16 January 2016

Foxy Mudllark Paperclip - Reflections on Celebrity Names

Is being a celebrity a reason to choose
A name for their offspring that no one would use?
Their poor little kids bear the brunt of the shame
While the ridiculous parents are totally to blame.

Would you call your girl North, if your surname was West?
Is Tu a good name if Morrow forms the rest
Mars Merkarba is a girl and Royal Reign too

And Cricket and Birdie and Daisy Boo.

If Prince is the name of your eldest son
Why use the same name for the younger one?
There are thousands of perfectly good names to use
There must be something individual to choose.

Dakota, Killarney and Texas have become almost common
So why raise an eyebrow at Egypt and Moroccan?
Moxie Crimefighter may join the police force
For Pilot Inspektor - a flight instructor, of course

Sparrow James Midnight sounds very cool
But how will Audio Science cope at school?
Do you think Zuma Nesta Rock would ever be seen
Out in public with Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen?

I wonder if Makoa-Wolf  will think it funny
To terrorise young Mirabella Bunny..
And is it likely that  Moses Amadeus
Will share his lunch with Satchel Seamus?

Some of these kids may be spared some pain
When one half of their name is relatively sane.
Bluebelle Madonna and Elsie Otter may conform
To what most of us consider to be the norm.

But perhaps each of us thinks our name is good
And probably wouldn't change it if we could.
I look at old Uncles, Aunts and Grans
And wonder how they could bear their names -

Blanche and Mildred, Maud and Flora
Myrtle and Enid, Gertrude and Norah
Henry and Harvey, Maurice and Ned
Leonard, Lawrence, Bartholomew and Fred.

When I consider the views of the generation ahead
I wonder if they muttered and shook their head
At plain Margaret and Betty, Mary and Anne
Brian and Denis, Terry and Dan.

However some parents are way over the top
And really don't know when to stop.
The nickname Luna seems just fine
But her whole name won't fit on a line.

Don't you feel sorry for Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence Thurman-Busson 

Some names are heavy loads for kids to carry

Christmas in January, February, March ...

By Boxing Day or New Years Day
Or sometimes a few weeks on
Most Christmas gifts have lost their gloss
And some are  already gone.
But some things last for months or years
And some may never leave
All those sweet indulgences
Beginning on Christmas Eve.

We've filled a glass and drunk a toast
In champagne, punch or beer
Wishing all our friends the best
For Christmas and New Year.
We've built our own traditions
And some treats we always have
Because Christmas isn't Christmas
Without ice-cream, cream and pav.

But we wonder if it's worth it
Though everything tastes good
When New Year padding is what's left
Of the delicious Christmas pud.
And all those sweets and savouries
That we really had to taste
Are the longest lasting Christmas gifts
Around our hips and waist.